Do It Yourself
by shootingsilverstarlight
Summary: On Earth, John and Rodney come across their greatest foe.


Ok, this story is slash, but it's very light. ANd i mean very light. There's not even a kiss in it. John and ROdney are just a couple. Just read it. It's funny.

Earth, Sometime in the Future

John and Rodney stood side by side, grimly surveying the scene before them. It didn't look good for the Dynamic Duo.

"We can't do this," John said, breaking the silence that stretched between them.

"Yes, we can," Rodney tried to assure him, but doubt was evident in his voice.

"Right," John said, trying to psyche himself up. "We can do this."

"Of course we can. I mean, I built an A-Bomb when I was 12. You have a degree in mechanical engineering. Between us, we can do this," Rodney chimed in.

John picked up the instructions for assembling the bookcase and held them out.

"Do ya think we need to read this before we start putting this together?" he asked, indicating to the piles of wood and screws that littered their living room floor.

"Of course not," Rodney scoffed. "It's ridiculously easy. The whole Slot A/Tab B thing. Trust me, we'll be ok."

Two Hours Later.

"Ok, I've decided the Wraith aren't the greatest threat humanity has ever know. It's Ikea!" Rodney huffed as he sat amidst the piles of wood. John had given up a half an hour ago, and was slouched down on a nearby arm chair, half heartedly drinking a glass of coke.

"Can I read the instructions now?" he asked, and then told himself that he was _not_ whining.

"No," Rodney growled savagely. "I'll figure this out if it takes me all day!"

John shrugged and settled down to watch; calculating the average amount times the vein in Rodney's forehead could pulse in a minute.

Another Hour Later

"Can't I just threaten to shoot it if it doesn't assemble itself?" John whined. (Yes, whined.) He was sitting on the floor next to Rodney. They had their backs against one wall while they cowered in fear of the bookcase. According to Rodney, it was semi-completed, but the part that the scientist had done looked nothing like a bookcase.

It looked like a squiggle.

Hell, it was a squiggle. And you couldn't rest 'War and Peace' on a squiggle. He was sure there was a law there somewhere….

Rodney looked up from the piece of wood he was examining.

"Believe me, if I thought it would work, I'd have had you get your gun out two hours ago!" he snapped and John winced. Man, than vein was really pulsing. It was almost hypnotic…

"Oh I give up!" Rodney suddenly burst out; throwing the piece of wood he had been holding across the floor. It hit the small coffee table and knocked off the glass of coke that was balanced there. The drink splashed all over the floor, covering some of the assembly pieces and Rodney wanted to cry.

It was just not his day. First, he was bested by a bookcase. A BOOKCASE! And then, he spilled coke on their lovely new, CREAM coloured rug. John was glaring at him, and Rodney gulped. Ok, so his day could get worse.

"Colonel Sheppard, go get the instructions!" he growled out. John smiled brightly and sprang up. He started looking for the instructions, which were buried underneath the scene of mass carnage. He found them eventually, and told himself that it was NOT a sob that escaped his lips when he held up the dripping wet instructions.

The coke Rodney had spilled had soaked into it, and even if acid in the coke wasn't causing the pages weren't disintegrating at the phenomenal rate that they were, the colour of the drink they had been soaked in had made them completely unreadable.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rodney cried when John held up the soggy mess. John half expected him to drop to his knees and start beating his fists on the ground, but was pleasantly surprised when Rodney only kicked the fireplace and hurt his toes.

"That's it, I quit!" Rodney exclaimed. "Next time that you decide that we should move house, make sure all the furniture is PRE-ASSEMBLED, ok?"

"Hey, you're the smartest man in two galaxies!" John countered. "I figured that you'd know how to build a goddamned bookcase!"

Rodney opened his mouth to argue, but thought better of it. "I'm not getting into a fight with you over a bookcase. It is beneath me." he paused for a second's deliberation. "I'm going for a drink," he announced, turning and grabbing his coat.

"I'm right behind you," John told him, sparing one last glare at the undistinguishable heap in the middle of the room. He stuck out is tongue at the mess, and followed Rodney out the door.

Half an hour later.

"John? Rodney?" Elizabeth called as she opened the door. The boys had given her a key since she pretty much lived across the street, and hell, after all they'd been through, the were family. "Looks like no-one's home," she told Teyla, who was following her.

The Athosian glanced around John and Rodney's new home, and smiled approvingly.

"This house suits them very well," she commented as she looked around.

"They must have forgotten that you were gating in," Elizabeth mused. "Wonder why."

She followed Teyla into the living room, and stopped dead.

"I think it's dead," Teyla commented dryly as she took in the scene before her. On the brand new cream rug, there was a mushy pile of brown stained paper. It lay next to what could only be described as a hastily made fire that had yet to be lit… or some strange fertility symbol.

Elizabeth strained her eyes, and could barely make out the word 'Bookcase' in the pile of paper. She grinned to herself.

"They must have tried to assemble this and failed," she told her friend. "Looks like they gave up."

"And probably went out to drown their sorrows," she added silently to herself.

"Do such items not come with instructions for the assembly?" Teyla asked, confused.

"Oh they do," Elizabeth told her. "That's the soggy mess about two feet from your left. But they probably didn't use them"

"Why?"

"Let me tell you something about Earth men Teyla," Elizabeth laughed. "Two things they never do: Ask for directions or read instructions. Come on," she indicated to the pieces. "We can give this a go. Shouldn't take too long."

John and Rodney arrived home later that night, determined not to be bested by what was basically a cabinet. They squared their shoulders bravely (the alcohol had given them a false sense of confidence in their D.I.Y. skills) and entered the house. As one, the opened the door to the loving room… and stared in shock.

There, in the centre of the room, stood the bookcase.

Fully Assembled.

Not in pieces on the floor.

They looked at each other in shock. Did their new house have D.I.Y gremlins or something? It was then that John noticed the note. It was propped up on one of the shelves, at their eye level. He took it down and recognised Elizabeth's handwriting. The note read:

Hi Guys,

Teyla and I stopped by like we planned, but you were out. Probably out sulking over this 'evil' and 'complicated' piece of furniture that was sent to foil you and you alone. Here's a hint. Next time you really should read the instructions before you destroy them.

Anyway, it wasn't too hard to fix your mistakes. Teyla and I had it done in half an hour. Gone back to mine for a drink. Come over if you want.

Elizabeth

"What? Who?" Rodney babbled. He looked near to tears.

"Elizabeth. And Teyla," John told him grimly as he held out the note.

"They're never going to let us live this down," Rodney whimpered.

"I know," John said, pulling him into a one armed hug. "But if it helps, it's all your fault."

The End

Well, there you have it: 1318 words if pure insanity. I know it would never happen, but the thought came to me tonight when my mom and I were assembling a book case for my room, and my dad was in the background saying non-helpful things and generally getting in our way.


End file.
